Today on International Women's Day, I thought I would tell you a little bit more about THIS woman, who she is, who she was, and who she is becoming. I've found that when I learned to love and accept myself, and believe that each person on this earth was created for greatness, the differences that I may perceive as barriers fade away and I am better able to love and empower other woman. Self-awareness is the first step to creating change and eventually self-acceptance.
Who I was...
I am a recovering people pleaser, someone who sought the approval of others before being true to myself. I have done and said things just to make other people happy, often at the expense of my friends, family, and in opposition to my true identity and core beliefs. I used to obsess over conversations after the fact and be marked by social anxiety. I often feared the loss of approval because I didn't truly believe I was worth keeping around as a friend unless I added value to the other person. I lived in a constant state of fear of falling out of people's good graces, all the while deep down feeling worried that I may never be fully known if I was to keep up the facade. I was a failure-averse person who would do anything to avoid making a mistake so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of those moments. I wanted to be perfect, and to have others see me as such. Any slip could mean that I would lose someone or something I was clinging onto dearly to give my life meaning and worth. I am also in recovery from a bad gossip and controversy addiction. I would connect with people by bad-mouthing others or stirring up the pot with them, often damaging people in the process. This always feels yucky. My words spoke death and judgment, and they tasted like vile poison that I was force-feeding my soul. I became so ashamed of who I would become around other people that I didn't know who the true me was and who the false me was. The lines became blurred for a while and I shut down, only forming surface-level friendships to protect myself from becoming hurt or wounded. I didn't really like other women. I never felt truly known, and I hated the competition and gossip once I saw it as clearly damaging. It always felt like people were trying to collect friends as things and possessions as trophies for their lives to show others how great they were. They lived for the applause of others and I didn't know how to find friends who were done with fake. Thankfully throughout the years God has placed women in my journey who are strong, dependable, honest, bad-ass women who have shown me who I really am. We fight for what's right, and inspire the best within each other. These women have helped me become who I am today.
Who I am becoming...
I am becoming someone who thinks before she speaks (read: super hard for me to do), values herself first, and is willing to say no in order to be true to who I am. I realized that I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't have to settle for mediocre, surface-level friendships if I am my own best friend first. You can't love others well if you don't love yourself first. I have been in a state of slow growth over the past few years, planting, watering, growing, and pruning. The women who have spoken into my life have asked me questions that make me cry, they have listened without judgment, and have spoken words over me that have brought life and healing. The don't try to fix me or wrap me up with a nice bow. They will tell me when I am being ridiculous, and when I am wrong and need to reconsider things from a different perspective. I have learned to trust women from these wonderful ladies who have been soul anchors for me, tethering me to truth and urging me to reframe how I see myself. Being a mother has been the most challenging, heart-breaking, fantastic thing that has helped me become who I am in this moment. My soul was laid bare and I had to deal with so many past hurts, crushed expectations, and moments of failure. I faced my fear of failure more now that I am a parent, and I am happy to say that I am better off for it. I have become less concerned about the little things, and more concerned about the important things. I am becoming ME. I am becoming a fuller, more vibrant, more alive ME. I am not changing who I am, I am becoming who I was always meant to be. I am liberated and free to live into the fullest, most alive, endlessly glorious version of myself.
Who I am
I am a bad-ass, empowered, loved, cherished woman. My true friends care for me and accept me, and my husband adores me (his words not mine). I am secure and safe. I was created by God to do some amazing work on this earth. I am a mother who believes with all her heart that raising little people who know who they are and how they want to change the world just might be the most important task on the planet. I am a former athlete who doesn't mind sweat and stink, who often has unwashed hair and flexible clothes on that I don't want to peel off as soon as I open my door. I love to go barefoot and be tan. I like what I look when I wear make up, I love what I look like without makeup. I wear shorts with unshaven legs, and the true mark of friendship is if I don't dress up for you. It is a sign of love really, and that I feel fully known without having to put on a mask. I don't weigh peoples opinions of me or my actions as a mark of success. I know that I am deeply loved by my Creator, my husband, my children, my family, and my close friends. I am a work in progress, and I make mistakes. I may try to pull out my old tricks from time to time, and those that love me remind my that's who I thought I was, not who I AM or who I AM BECOMING. I am held accountable by the honestly I have invested in relationships with others, and it can make me uncomfortable at times to be stretched by BECOMING. I love to laugh, and chocolate is a must-have in my diet. I don't like eating vegetables for lunch, and although I am a semi-hippy, we use paper plates often. My favorite foods have lots of sugar in them or are loaded with fat. I love being outside and I feel trapped indoors at times. I love Netflix, sleeping on my side, and snuggling my husband. I really, REALLY don't like cats. Sorry not sorry.
WHO ARE YOU?
In case you don't have many people speaking encouraging words into you, or you just need a good reminder, here is what I believe about you:
You are powerful beyond measure. You were created with power, you don't need to go find it elsewhere. What you do, what you say, and who you choose to surround yourself with matters. Your words have the ability to speak life, or to speak death. Your words can be soothing, nourishing, and inspirational. Your words can also be damaging, hurtful, and wounding. You have control over these things, rarely is someone forcing words out of your mouth. Choose life, choose hope, choose to be a world-changer. You may not feel it, know it, or even believe it, but you are DEEPLY LOVED. If everyone else in your life seems to offer you love with conditions and strings attached, please know that there is a God who loves you and all your brokenness. God's love is so deep, fierce, and powerful for you that it can knock you off your feet if you let it. This type of love changes you to your core. It allows you to peel off the layers of pain, of fake, of regret, of mistakes, and rest in knowing that you are loved beyond measure. Let me tell you one more thing, and you may need to repeat it over and over in your head and out loud with your words until it becomes absorbed into your soul and you take that small, itty bitty step towards love. Ready for it??
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS
With love,
Ebey
