I've been thinking about his post for a while, and finally it is ready (I think... It definitely won't be perfect).
For years I didn't know that I suffered from disordered eating patterns. I realized I did not have a healthy relationship with food when I became pregnant with Mason, and I decided to make a huge mental shift and start eating in a way that is much more odered and healthy for me mentally. I definitely still struggle, because every day I wake up and need to decide what I will eat, when I will eat it, how much of it to eat, and how to make sure my mind and body are both getting what they need to be optimally healthy.
Let me be clear: I do not have, nor have I ever had a clinically recognized eating disorder. Behavior patterns of disordered eating may share many similarities to eating disorders, so it can get confusing. Eating disorder are serious mental illnesses that people do not choose to have, the disorder chooses it's own victims. It is my wholehearted believe that men and women who are victims of this viscous form of mental illness deserve recognition, treatment, kindness and NEVER judgement. Eating disorders cross cultural and ethic boundaries, can be hiding in all body types, shapes, and sizes. Those who are in the journey of recovery, or who are considered recovered, need our support, kindness, and compassion. My heart goes out to my friends and family who have suffered under the unfair hands of an eating disorder, you are not alone and I love and support you. If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, I highly recommend reaching out to NEDA for support and treatment guidance.
Ok now back to disordered eating. For me, small parts of disordered eating patterns have been there since highschool, but they intensified after a huge lifestyle shift where I started having a greater awareness of how to eat a "healthy" diet and I lost a lot of body fat as a result. Essentially I went Paleo cold turkey and lost 10 inches of body fat in one month, 4 of those were in my waist. Though cutting out grains I discovered that I had a serious gluten-sensitivity, which was seriously life-changing for me and my body started to heal itself from years of damage. Before this point I ate food that I thought tasted good but was low in protein, highly processed, and filled with sugar. I felt so much better with this shift, and I thought I had found a solution to eating healthy.
My desire and decision to clean up my eating habits was fueled by the motivation to live a longer, healthier, more productive life. What I was eating before was definitely not going to provide me with long-lasting health. However, disordered eating is sneaky that way. Often a really positive shift towards "health" can have the unintended consequences of creating thought patterns about food and a relationship with eating that is FAR from healthy.
Now you may be confused about how "healthy eating" can mean an unhealthy mind. I will share thought patterns and habits surrounding food that I had (and still struggle with as well) in the hopes that you can see how I had an unhealthy relationship with food! During my years of disordered eating, I never starved myself or skipped meals, I always ate every 3-4 hours, and from the outside nothing would have concerned anyone. However as you will see there was very much so a huge problem!
Here are a few:
-I would go full-out with a "clean" diet for a few weeks, and feel like a failure if I veered off course for even one meal
-I would deprive myself of certian foods for a period of time, then binge on them (sugar and simple carbs especially)
-I forced myself to eat certian foods because they are considered healthy, even though I hated them
-I felt like I had to keep up the appearance of a "healthy eater", so often meals with friends were stressful because I felt like I had to eat a certian way to keep up appearances
-I categorized food into "good" or "bad" and as a result I felt good or bad about myself depending on what I ate. I had a lot of guilt around enjoying food.
-I was an emotional eater, and if I was going through something rough or had a hard day with, I used food to make myself feel better
-I used exercise as either a way to "repent" for a meal or treat the night prior, or as an excuse to binge on "bad" foods, believing that working out would negate the effects of indulging
-I became judgemental of other people and their diets, believing I had it all figured out
-I ate candy or "treat" foods in secret and hid wrappers so that others wouldn't see any evidence of what I had eaten
-When I was on vacation or went out to a restaurant to eat, I would overeat and overindulge because I thought I deserved a break from my usual diet at home
-My weight would yo-yo between 5-10 lbs based on weather I was limiting food groups or rebellious and binging on sweets and carbs
-I saw the scale and my clothes as either my friends or my enemy based on what fit, and I had an emotional attachment to a number and a clothing size.
For me personally, the consistency of these thoughts and habits controlled me. I was addicted to them in a way. It's been a long two years coming to grips with the fact that I have a problem surrounding my relationship with food. Becoming the healthiest version of myself meant giving up my "rules" and changing my behavior. I was terrified of gaining weight in the process of having a healthy mind, until I realized that a healthy, happy body and mind was far more important than any outward appearance. So how did I do it? I decided to develop new habits that served me better.
Here is a little list about what healthy patterns surrounding food look like for me. This will look different for everyone, and I'm still learning how to further develop into a person who loves and enjoys making food decisions. I am far from perfect, but hopefully this will help you see how I am moving towards a love-love relationship with food!
1. Listening to my body
This has been the biggest challenge for me as someone who has hypoglycemia (prone to low blood sugar levels). My body has so many built-in cues and ways to tell me what it needs, and what it doesn't need. Most of the time I eat until I am comfortably full, and my body tells me when it is time to stop eating. My brain and body work together to tell me when and what to eat. My brain knows that my body needs to eat every 2-4 hours so I don't have a hypoglycemic episode, and I make a huge effort to listen and respond to meet the nutritional needs my body has. When I want to restrict certian foods or binge eat, I think about the emotional turmoil I may be in that may be fueling that desire. I listen to the whole picture.
2. I follow an 80/20 rule.
About 80% of the time I eat things I love, and 20% of the time I eat things I REALLY love. I don't eat food I don't like, and I don't force myself to eat food just because it's healthy. I actually enjoy eating salads, veggies, fruit, and healthier versions of classic comfort foods. When I force myself to consume something that I do not like and that repulses me, my body and brain revolt. I would say about 80% of the food I eat I LOVE and look forward to eating. The other 20% are things that I love and would eat every day, but they may not be the best for my body if I eat them in excess. I love a beef burger more than a turkey burger, but I choose to eat beef only 1x or so a week for health reasons. I only make food I am looking forward to eating, and about once or twice a week I make a meal I seriously love and speaks to my soul (like tacos, pizza, hamburgers, and bacon).
3. Everything in moderation, nothing in excess.
This one is soooo hard for me. I have a tendency to restrict a certified food, then binge eating it later (particularly sugar). I have found that if I consume a few small portions of sugar or a "treat item" 2-3x a week, I will not eat it in excess at a later point. Eating nothing in excess also means that I do not repeat the same meal or items every single day. If I ate the same salad every single day, I would get sick of it and probably decide not to eat salad for a while. Having a variety of different meals and food combinations keeps me excited about the food I am eating, and as a result I more likely to consume a well-balanced diet rich in micronutrients.
4. Intuitive eating
We are all born intuitive eaters, and somewhere along the way we were told food rules we must follow and things got confusing. For me personally, intuitive eating is the complete rejection of the diet mentality. I do not look to a plan or a list of foods to eat, I look to my body to tell me what it needs and when it needs it. I do not force myself to finish a plate, I do not restrict myself from having seconds, and I will always try a new dish even if I am unsure if I will like it. I eat until I am full, and if I am starving an hour after finishing a big meal, I listen to my body and have more to eat. I still use my brain and the knowledge I have when making food choices, but I also use what I have learned in the past to inform how I eat each day. I've eaten only carbs in a day and very little protein and I felt terrible. I DON'T want to feel that way again, so I don't do that. I avoid eating non-nutritious foods like alcohol because although I may feel fun and happy at the time, I get a sugar rush and later a crash. The most challenging thing for me to learn about intuitive eating is to trust myself and use each day as a learning opportunity. My children have been the best possible teachers for me in regards to intuitive eating. Learning how to trust their bodies and respect their internal cues has helped me respect my own body and it's needs.
6. Never restricting
I do not count calories, track my macros, keep a food log, stick to a "diet plan", eliminate foods from my diet, or deprive myself of food groups. If it is medically necessary, I will indeed do a few of those things for the betterment of my physical well-being, paying special attention if start to sense I'm going back into disordered eating patterns. For example, a few times a year, we do a 10 day herbal cleanse to kick out the bad stuff in our gut, liver, and kidneys, and during that time we are completely Paleo and eat very few things that are processed. Another example is that I recently had to cut out all forms of sugar except for those naturally occurring in food because I had a whole-body systemic issue with yeast overgrowth for several months. I NEVER eat wheat or gluten because I am highly gluten-sensitive, and during the first 18 months of Mason's life I was dairy-free because he would get hives through drinking my breastmilk if I had consumed dairy. When you cut out foods for medical reasons, or for your child's health, it is an entirely different mentality and perspective. I know that a lot of people choose to eat a restrictive diet when they are trying to lose body fat, when they are training for a body building competition, or even because they feel that certian foods are damaging to the human body or to the environment (think Paleo, vegan, keto, Raw food enthusiasts). If that is you, please know that I have no problem with others who choose to follow a restricted diet plan. if you can do so without falling into disordered eating patterns, good for you! However, for me personally it is an incredibly unhealthy choice for my mental health. What works for you may not work for others, and just because someone has a restricted diet it does not mean they have distordered eating.
I am happy to say that these things have worked really well for me. I am about 5-7lbs heavier than I was during the time when I was suffering from disordered eating, but I am much more body-confident and I feel much healthier. This is my happy body, the body that is feuled correctly and has a mind that is in a love-love relationship with food.
If you or someone you know may be dealing with eating patterns similar to mine, please know that you are not alone. It is way more common than you think! There is hope on the other side, there is freedom, and there is peace. Please don't suffer in silence like I did, reach out for help!
Much love,
Ebey
A few months into "healthy eating"
Pregnant with Mason and much happier
My happy body right now. 18 months Postpartum and loving CrossFit 4x a week for mental health. Freedom feels so good!
