My Journey with Disordered Eating

I've been thinking about his post for a while, and finally it is ready (I think... It definitely won't be perfect).

For years I didn't know that I suffered from disordered eating patterns. I realized I did not have a healthy relationship with food when I became pregnant with Mason, and I decided to make a huge mental shift and start eating in a way that is much more odered and healthy for me mentally. I definitely still struggle, because every day I wake up and need to decide what I will eat, when I will eat it, how much of it to eat, and how to make sure my mind and body are both getting what they need to be optimally healthy. 

Let me be clear: I do not have, nor have I ever had a clinically recognized eating disorder. Behavior patterns of disordered eating may share many similarities to eating disorders, so it can get confusing. Eating disorder are serious mental illnesses that people do not choose to have, the disorder chooses it's own victims. It is my wholehearted believe that men and women who are victims of this viscous form of mental illness deserve recognition, treatment, kindness and NEVER judgement. Eating disorders cross cultural and ethic boundaries, can be hiding in all body types, shapes, and sizes. Those who are in the journey of recovery, or who are considered recovered, need our support, kindness, and compassion. My heart goes out to my friends and family who have suffered under the unfair hands of an eating disorder, you are not alone and I love and support you. If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, I highly recommend reaching out to NEDA for support and treatment guidance.

Ok now back to disordered eating. For me, small parts of disordered eating patterns have been there since highschool, but they intensified after a huge lifestyle shift where I started having a greater awareness of how to eat a "healthy" diet and I lost a lot of body fat as a result. Essentially I went Paleo cold turkey and lost 10 inches of body fat in one month, 4  of those were in my waist. Though cutting out grains I discovered that I had a serious gluten-sensitivity, which was seriously life-changing for me and my body started to heal itself from years of damage. Before this point I ate food that I thought tasted good but was low in protein, highly processed, and filled with sugar. I felt so much better with this shift, and I thought I had found a solution to eating healthy. 

My desire and decision to clean up my eating habits was fueled by the motivation to live a longer, healthier, more productive life. What I was eating before was definitely not going to provide me with long-lasting health. However, disordered eating is sneaky that way. Often a really positive shift towards "health" can have the unintended consequences of creating thought patterns about food and a relationship with eating that is FAR from healthy.

Now you may be confused about how "healthy eating" can mean an unhealthy mind. I will share thought patterns and habits surrounding food that I had (and still struggle with as well) in the hopes that you can see how I had an unhealthy relationship with food! During my years of disordered eating, I never starved myself or skipped meals, I always ate every 3-4 hours, and from the outside nothing would have concerned anyone. However as you will see there was very much so a huge problem!

Here are a few:

-I would go full-out with a "clean" diet for a few weeks, and feel like a failure if I veered off course for even one meal 

-I would deprive myself of certian foods for a period of time, then binge on them (sugar and simple carbs especially)

-I forced myself to eat certian foods because they are considered healthy, even though I hated them

-I felt like I had to keep up the appearance of a "healthy eater", so often meals with friends were stressful because I felt like I had to eat a certian way to keep up appearances

-I categorized food into "good" or "bad" and as a result I felt good or bad about myself depending on what I ate. I had a lot of guilt around enjoying food.

-I was an emotional eater, and if I was going through something rough or had a hard day with, I used food to make myself feel better

-I used exercise as either a way to "repent" for a meal or treat the night prior, or as an excuse to binge on "bad" foods, believing that working out would negate the effects of indulging

-I became judgemental of other people and their diets, believing I had it all figured out

-I ate candy or "treat" foods in secret and hid wrappers so that others wouldn't see any evidence of what I had eaten

-When I was on vacation or went out to a restaurant to eat, I would overeat and overindulge because I thought I deserved a break from my usual diet at home

-My weight would yo-yo between 5-10 lbs based on weather I was limiting food groups or rebellious and binging on sweets and carbs 

-I saw the scale and my clothes as either my friends or my enemy based on what fit, and I had an emotional attachment to a number and a clothing size.

For me personally, the consistency of these thoughts and habits controlled me. I was addicted to them in a way. It's been a long two years coming to grips with the fact that I have a problem surrounding my relationship with food. Becoming the healthiest version of myself meant giving up my "rules" and changing my behavior. I was terrified of gaining weight in the process of having a healthy mind, until I realized that a healthy, happy body and mind was far more important than any outward appearance. So how did I do it? I decided to develop new habits that served me better.

Here is a little list about what healthy patterns surrounding food look like for me. This will look different for everyone, and I'm still learning how to further develop into a person who loves and enjoys making food decisions. I am far from perfect, but hopefully this will help you see how I am moving towards a love-love relationship with food!

1. Listening to my body

This has been the biggest challenge for me as someone who has hypoglycemia (prone to low blood sugar levels). My body has so many built-in cues and ways to tell me what it needs, and what it doesn't need. Most of the time I eat until I am comfortably full, and my body tells me when it is time to stop eating. My brain and body work together to tell me when and what to eat. My brain knows that my body needs to eat every 2-4 hours so I don't have a hypoglycemic episode, and I make a huge effort to listen and respond to meet the nutritional needs my body has. When I want to restrict certian foods or binge eat, I think about the emotional turmoil I may be in that may be fueling that desire. I listen to the whole picture.

2. I follow an 80/20 rule. 

About 80% of the time I eat things I love, and 20% of the time I eat things I REALLY love. I don't eat food I don't like, and I don't force myself to eat food just because it's healthy. I actually enjoy eating salads, veggies, fruit, and healthier versions of classic comfort foods. When I force myself to consume something that I do not like and that repulses me, my body and brain revolt. I would say about 80% of the food I eat I LOVE and look forward to eating. The other 20% are things that I love and would eat every day, but they may not be the best for my body if I eat them in excess. I love a beef burger more than a turkey burger, but I choose to eat beef only 1x or so a week for health reasons. I only make food I am looking forward to eating, and about once or twice a week I make a meal I seriously love and speaks to my soul (like tacos, pizza, hamburgers, and bacon). 

3. Everything in moderation, nothing in excess.

This one is soooo hard for me. I have a tendency to restrict a certified food, then binge eating it later (particularly sugar). I have found that if I consume a few small portions of sugar or a "treat item" 2-3x a week, I will not eat it in excess at a later point. Eating nothing in excess also means that I do not repeat the same meal or items every single day. If I ate the same salad every single day, I would get sick of it and probably decide not to eat salad for a while. Having a variety of different meals and food combinations keeps me excited about the food I am eating, and as a result I more likely to consume a well-balanced diet rich in micronutrients.

4. Intuitive eating

We are all born intuitive eaters, and somewhere along the way we were told food rules we must follow and things got confusing. For me personally, intuitive eating is the complete rejection of the diet mentality. I do not look to a plan or a list of foods to eat, I look to my body to tell me what it needs and when it needs it. I do not force myself to finish a plate, I do not restrict myself from having seconds, and I will always try a new dish even if I am unsure if I will like it. I eat until I am full, and if I am starving an hour after finishing a big meal, I listen to my body and have more to eat. I still use my brain and the knowledge I have when making food choices, but I also use what I have learned in the past to inform how I eat each day. I've eaten only carbs in a day and very little protein and I felt terrible. I DON'T want to feel that way again, so I don't do that. I avoid eating non-nutritious foods like alcohol because although I may feel fun and happy at the time, I get a sugar rush and later a crash. The most challenging thing for me to learn about intuitive eating is to trust myself and use each day as a learning opportunity. My children have been the best possible teachers for me in regards to intuitive eating. Learning how to trust their bodies and respect their internal cues has helped me respect my own body and it's needs. 

6. Never restricting

I do not count calories, track my macros, keep a food log, stick to a "diet plan", eliminate foods from my diet, or deprive myself of food groups. If it is medically necessary, I will indeed do a few of those things for the betterment of my physical well-being, paying special attention if start to sense I'm going back into disordered eating patterns. For example, a few times a year, we do a 10 day herbal cleanse to kick out the bad stuff in our gut, liver, and kidneys, and during that time we are completely Paleo and eat very few things that are processed. Another example is that I recently had to cut out all forms of sugar except for those naturally occurring in food because I had a whole-body systemic issue with yeast overgrowth for several months. I NEVER eat wheat or gluten because I am highly gluten-sensitive, and during the first 18 months of Mason's life I was dairy-free because he would get hives through drinking my breastmilk if I had consumed dairy. When you cut out foods for medical reasons, or for your child's health, it is an entirely different mentality and perspective. I know that a lot of people choose to eat a restrictive diet when they are trying to lose body fat, when they are training for a body building competition, or even because they feel that certian foods are damaging to the human body or to the environment (think Paleo, vegan, keto, Raw food enthusiasts). If that is you, please know that I have no problem with others who choose to follow a restricted diet plan. if you can do so without falling into disordered eating patterns, good for you! However, for me personally it is an incredibly unhealthy choice for my mental health. What works for you may not work for others, and just because someone has a restricted diet it does not mean they have distordered eating. 

I am happy to say that these things have worked really well for me. I am about 5-7lbs heavier than I was during the time when I was suffering from disordered eating, but I am much more body-confident and I feel much healthier. This is my happy body, the body that is feuled correctly and has a mind that is in a love-love relationship with food. 

If you or someone you know may be dealing with eating patterns similar to mine, please know that you are not alone. It is way more common than you think! There is hope on the other side, there is freedom, and there is peace. Please don't suffer in silence like I did, reach out for help! 

Much love,

Ebey 

A few months into "healthy eating"

Pregnant with Mason and much happier

My happy body right now. 18 months Postpartum and loving CrossFit 4x a week for mental health. Freedom feels so good!

Beginning CrossFit

We have some exciting news!

John and I joined an amazing CrossFit gym called Troy CrossFit that just opened up and we couldn't be more thrilled! One of our family values is health, and consistently taking care of our bodies through staying active got put on the back burner this year.  For us, health means a state of mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being and satisfaction. Health has looked a lot different during this season, and I am pleased with the hard work I have put into creating a greater sense of sense of contentment and peace, despite external circumstances. I have had to trust God so much more than I ever have in my entire life since Mason was born, and it has been so hard and yet so good at the same time.  

Once piece of the health puzzle that has been missing has been my passion for challenging myself physically. I haven’t done anything in years that has satisfied my desire to do what I absolutely love, which is working out with other like-minded people, lifting weights, becoming stronger and more skilled with movement patterns, and crushing goals I set for myself. I really enjoy working out hard and pushing myself, but I've felt stuck as a mom because lots of weekly commitments and nap time didn't seem to jive with joining a CrossFit Gym. Troy CrossFit has exceeded our expectations for being AMAZING, and they offer 4 classes a day with supervised childcare in addition to a bunch of other classes. John and I are so happy to be on our way towards a lifestyle of better health! Troy CrossFit highlighted me as their athlete spotlight last week, so check out this YouTube video to learn more about what this community has meant to me so far and how I am loving what they have to offer! 

I wanted to share with you guys what health means to me, because I think it can be a strange thing for many people to think of health as encompassing more than what the scale says and what a doctor or other health care professional tells you about your body. I want to make a disclaimer first, however. I am not a medical professional and the things I say are what I have learned from my own personal journey towards greater health for myself and my family, and should be treated as such and not as medical advice. I am also aware that I am privileged, and the things I say come from my own life-experiences and the opportunities I have been afforded. I am a white, middle-class, stay-at-home-mom who was raised by healthy parents with a mostly healthy family dynamic. I have been taught healthy eating habits from my family, friends, and a dietician. Growing up, I had athletic opportunities that took me on to play water polo at a prestigious university. My body type is such that it is easy for me to put on muscle, and to lose fat when I want to. I recognize that my readers may not have this shared experience, and your background, body type, and health concerns may look very different than mine! I applaud every effort you take towards living your best life, even if that is something that may seem small to others. We are all on a journey, and please remember that health looks different for each and every person!

Ok… so here are my personal definitions of health...

Mental Health

This is psychological well-being, and in general my "mental state". Most people think of "mental health" as a person managing mental illnesses and addressing past or present addictions. I also think this includes asking myself a few check-in questions, since my mind is the source of how I operate EVERY single day. What are my thought patterns like towards myself, towards others, and in situations of stress? What is my mental fortitude like when I set goals, make a plan to reach them, when I make mistakes, and when I have moments of failure? Do I have any addictions that are invisible to others? For me, MY THOUGHT LIFE DETERMINES THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE. 

Physical Health

The body is such a complicated thing! Our body is with us till our last breath, and it is an absolute work of art from conception to the grave. How our body functions (or does not function) can be so deeply connected to our emotions, our relationships, our spirituality, and our mental health. It is way too complicated for me to even go into the full details of what it means for me to be physically healthy, so here are the basics for what that looks like for me, based on what I have learned over the years of listening to my body and learning how to pay attention to more closely to what I need. In my most optimal state of health, I am sleeping 6 hours at night, I am consuming a mostly whole foods diet high in protien, I am eating every 2-3 hours, I am intentionally physically active for 30-60 minutes each day, I am properly supplementing with targeted vitamins, and I am not consuming processed sugar. News flash: I rarely do this 100% of the time. Maybe I've done all of these things for like 5 days in a row my entire life. Life is about balance and progress, not physical perfection. Intentional physical activity got put on the back burner this past year as I have mentioned, and I am SHOCKED with how amazing I feel now that I got back into a good routine. I have become more motivated to take care of myself in other areas that I was neglecting, and it has been so life-giving.  I am seriously loving CrossFit sooooo much!

Spiritual Health

My spiritual health is my connection with God and with my faith community. I am forever on a journey to embrace the fact that God made me, and God loves me, and God wants to be my friend. This blows my mind daily. I am created with beauty and with purpose, and so are you! I believe how I treat each and every other person I interact with throughout my days on earth is also an act of spiritual worship.  Do I fail? Yep, usually the way I speak to my kids is not the way I think God would speak to these precious little creations. Whatever you do or do not believe about God, know this: you are valuable because you were made by God, and you are supposed to be here on this earth. Your worth does not come from what you look like, how much money you make, what you can and cannot do, who your parents were or who your kids have become, what your failures and accomplishments have looked like, what your past or present says about you, if you can say the right things, or if you bring value to others' lives. Simply existing and breathing the air on this beautiful earth makes you valuable to God, and worthy of love and affection.

Emotional Health

Emotional health is my ability to cope with challenging events and situations, and to have resilience when things don't go according to plan. We were created to feel the full range of human emotions, from deep sadness and despair, to exuberant joy and delight. I very well may feel all of those things in one day! For me, emotional health is very closely tied with physical health. My hormone cycles, blood sugar levels (I have hypoglycemia), and the amount of sleep I get all will amplify my emotions and my ability to cope with stress and experience joy and contentment.

Relational Health

Relational health is my ability to form long-lasting, deeply connected relationships with others where I feel safe and completely "known". In these relationships I am able to freely express my thoughts, emotions, opinions, and struggles, all within the safety and security of knowing that I can trust that person will hold those things in confidence, and they definitely won't speak badly about me behind my back. With that being said, relationships can be so very messy and complicated! I bring this whole mess of the “history of me” to the table each and every time I form a new relationship. I have plenty of relational dysfunction tendencies (especially in my marriage, where is gets amplified the most) and relational health for me means continuing to become more aware of these tendencies so that I can make a positive change.

I hope these definitions of health have been helpful for you in some small way! I am hoping to do a few more blog posts expanding on some topics I have touched on here, so please let me know if there are any questions you have that I can answer or if there is a topic you would like to to cover with greater depth!    

Women's Day

Today on International Women's Day, I thought I would tell you a little bit more about THIS woman, who she is, who she was, and who she is becoming. I've found that when I learned to love and accept myself, and believe that each person on this earth was created for greatness, the differences that I may perceive as barriers fade away and I am better able to love and empower other woman. Self-awareness is the first step to creating change and eventually self-acceptance.

Who I was...
I am a recovering people pleaser, someone who sought the approval of others before being true to myself. I have done and said things just to make other people happy, often at the expense of my friends, family, and in opposition to my true identity and core beliefs. I used to obsess over conversations after the fact and be marked by social anxiety. I often feared the loss of approval because I didn't truly believe I was worth keeping around as a friend unless I added value to the other person. I lived in a constant state of fear of falling out of people's good graces,  all the while deep down feeling worried that I may never be fully known if I was to keep up the facade. I was a failure-averse person who would do anything to avoid making a mistake so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of those moments. I wanted to be perfect, and to have others see me as such. Any slip could mean that I would lose someone or something I was clinging onto dearly to give my life meaning and worth. I am also in recovery from a bad gossip and controversy addiction. I would connect with people by bad-mouthing others or stirring up the pot with them, often damaging people in the process. This always feels yucky. My words spoke death and judgment, and they tasted like vile poison that I was force-feeding my soul. I became so ashamed of who I would become around other people that I didn't know who the true me was and who the false me was. The lines became blurred for a while and I shut down, only forming surface-level friendships to protect myself from becoming hurt or wounded. I didn't really like other women. I never felt truly known, and I hated the competition and gossip once I saw it as clearly damaging. It always felt like people were trying to collect friends as things and possessions as trophies for their lives to show others how great they were. They lived for the applause of others and I didn't know how to find friends who were done with fake. Thankfully throughout the years God has placed women in my journey who are strong, dependable, honest, bad-ass women who have shown me who I really am. We fight for what's right, and inspire the best within each other. These women have helped me become who I am today.

Who I am becoming...
I am becoming someone who thinks before she speaks (read: super hard for me to do), values herself first, and is willing to say no in order to be true to who I am. I realized that I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't have to settle for mediocre, surface-level friendships if I am my own best friend first. You can't love others well if you don't love yourself first. I have been in a state of slow growth over the past few years, planting, watering, growing, and pruning. The women who have spoken into my life have asked me questions that make me cry, they have listened without judgment, and have spoken words over me that have brought life and healing. The don't try to fix me or wrap me up with a nice bow. They will tell me when I am being ridiculous, and when I am wrong and need to reconsider things from a different perspective. I have learned to trust women from these wonderful ladies who have been soul anchors for me, tethering me to truth and urging me to reframe how I see myself. Being a mother has been the most challenging, heart-breaking, fantastic thing that has helped me become who I am in this moment. My soul was laid bare and I had to deal with so many past hurts, crushed expectations, and moments of failure. I faced my fear of failure more now that I am a parent, and I am happy to say that I am better off for it. I have become less concerned about the little things, and more concerned about the important things. I am becoming ME. I am becoming a fuller, more vibrant, more alive ME. I am not changing who I am, I am becoming who I was always meant to be. I am liberated and free to live into the fullest, most alive, endlessly glorious version of myself.

Who I am
I am a bad-ass, empowered, loved, cherished woman. My true friends care for me and accept me, and my husband adores me (his words not mine). I am secure and safe. I was created by God to do some amazing work on this earth. I am a mother who believes with all her heart that raising little people who know who they are and how they want to change the world just might be the most important task on the planet. I am a former athlete who doesn't mind sweat and stink, who often has unwashed hair and flexible clothes on that I don't want to peel off as soon as I open my door. I love to go barefoot and be tan. I like what I look when I wear make up, I love what I look like without makeup. I wear shorts with unshaven legs, and the true mark of friendship is if I don't dress up for you. It is a sign of love really, and that I feel fully known without having to put on a mask. I don't weigh peoples opinions of me or my actions as a mark of success. I know that I am deeply loved by my Creator, my husband, my children, my family, and my close friends. I am a work in progress, and I make mistakes. I may try to pull out my old tricks from time to time, and those that love me remind my that's who I thought I was, not who I AM or who I AM BECOMING. I am held accountable by the honestly I have invested in relationships with others, and it can make me uncomfortable at times to be stretched by BECOMING. I love to laugh, and chocolate is a must-have in my diet. I don't like eating vegetables for lunch, and although I am a semi-hippy, we use paper plates often. My favorite foods have lots of sugar in them or are loaded with fat. I love being outside and I feel trapped indoors at times. I love Netflix, sleeping on my side, and snuggling my husband. I really, REALLY don't like cats. Sorry not sorry.

WHO ARE YOU?
In case you don't have many people speaking encouraging words into you, or you just need a good reminder, here is what I believe about you:

You are powerful beyond measure. You were created with power, you don't need to go find it elsewhere. What you do, what you say, and who you choose to surround yourself with matters. Your words have the ability to speak life, or to speak death. Your words can be soothing, nourishing, and inspirational. Your words can also be damaging, hurtful, and wounding. You have control over these things, rarely is someone forcing words out of your mouth. Choose life, choose hope, choose to be a world-changer. You may not feel it, know it, or even believe it, but you are DEEPLY LOVED. If everyone else in your life seems to offer you love with conditions and strings attached, please know that there is a God who loves you and all your brokenness. God's love is so deep, fierce, and powerful for you that it can knock you off your feet if you let it. This type of love changes you to your core. It allows you to peel off the layers of pain, of fake, of regret, of mistakes, and rest in knowing that you are loved beyond measure. Let me tell you one more thing, and you may need to repeat it over and over in your head and out loud with your words until it becomes absorbed into your soul and you take that small, itty bitty step towards love. Ready for it??

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS

With love,

Ebey