What I DIDN"T expect when I was expecting

Being a mom is hard work! It makes me appreciate my own mom even more. John and I had the most amazing weekend with Caleb. He is smiling back at us and tracking us when we enter and leave the room. It is fun to feel like he knows us and loves us too! I can't believe 6 weeks has flown by and we have a very cute and silly baby boy who tries to keep his eyes open for as long as he can. The world is just so very exciting!

There are a few things I didn't expect about being a mom. Some are frustrating and some are wonderful. I hope new mommies out there can feel like they aren't alone and every other mom goes through similar things too. Here they are:

I didn't expect....

1. To feel like a seahorse 

After I gave birth I felt like a seahorse. The curved spine, bloated belly, and floppy body I could all identify with. I felt like my body had a giant hole in it! All the ligaments that hold your belly up when you are pregnant are stretched out, your abs are worlds apart from each other, and your arms and back muscles are adjusting to holding a nursing baby so you are more than a little sore. I started to feel somewhat normal around day 6 after I went for a long walk. My midwife suggested tying a scarf around my tummy or using my pregnancy support belt backwards so I didn't feel like I was going to cave in on myself and fold in half when I was walking. It helped!

2. To not sleep 

For some reason the thought never dawned on me what it would be LIKE to not sleep a full night and wake up exhausted. I knew I would be waking up a few times to feed Caleb, but I have never gone more than a night or two recently without at least a few hours of sleep. It never occurred to me now much this wears on your body! After a few nights of going to bed at 12am, waking up from 3-4am, then sleeping from 4am-7am and staying up the rest of the day I had a breakdown (or three). I told John it feel like you are in college studying for a midterm EVERY night. I started sleeping again after Caleb eats in the morning and sleeping until 9am or 10am, depending on when he woke up again.  The crazy thing is how much your body adapts to this schedule!

3. The Frustration 

When you don't sleep this is even more present! I didn't expect how frustrating certain things would be. Sometimes dear Caleb wants to party instead of take a nap, even though he is beyond tired and more than a little bit fussy. It is so hard to know that sleep will make him feel better and yet he is fighting it so much. The practice of patience is ever more important during these times. It is easy to forget that little babies can only communicate things through crying. Sometimes I expect him to be like a little adult and be independent and this is not the case! If I notice myself getting elevated I grab a Spark (aka happy mommy juice) and take a nap in the afternoon for at least 30 minutes or so.

4. How Long Everything Takes 

This is on Sunday wen we didn't make it to the 9am Flood gathering in time

Every task that was so easy before a kid is SOOO different when you factor them into the equation. "Running to the store" to pick up a forgotten ingredient for that amazing new Thai dish you are trying out just became "hmmm, maybe I can get it after he wakes up in a hour or two. Well, he will be hungry when we get to the store so I will need to bring the diaper bag to burp him. Oh wait! It isn't packed so I need to do that. And I forgot to eat lunch so maybe I should do that first. Ok I need to put on the Moby wrap before he wakes up. Oh! I should change his diaper before we go too because last time he pooped and got fussy and screamed in the checkout line. I need to put a bra on and make my self presentable too so I should do that before I put on the Moby. Oh wait, I should eat first so that I don't spill all over my new outfit. What do I need to pick up again? Oh yeah, bell peppers. Are they really that important? Maybe not. Maybe I can just make eggs for dinner again, that way I don't have to go get bell peppers. And as a bonus I don't have to wear a bra either." I have learned to plan on being early to things and then maybe I will only be half as late. 

5. How Many Breastfeeding Issues Are Out There

I have been going to a breastfeeding support group and absolutely love the lactation consultant that runs it. If you are a new mom who is planning on nursing you must get around other nursing moms! There are so many issues that come up in our group, I am surprised at how different every nursing relationship is! I have a fast let-down (think fire hose when the milk starts flowing) and am an over-producer (meaning my body didn't get the memo that I only had ONE baby. Body, you are not trying to feed twins so tone it down a notch!). These are are better "problems" than not making enough milk but it affects Caleb more than it does me. He will sputter when the fire hose of milk shoots in the back of his throat and he takes in a lot of air trying to keep up his gulping pace. I need to nurse him practically lying down so that he doesn't choke and he can manage my milk flow. There is one girl in the group whose baby was in the NICU for 10 hours and her first food wasn't her Mommy's milk so she refuses to nurse and will only take breast milk if it is in a bottle (she has since gotten a lot of help to take her mom's breast and is doing great). Three of the babies in our group were or are tongue-tied. Two of them got surgery and the other one does tongue exercises before feeding. One baby isn't gaining enough weight because her mom doesn't produce enough milk. That mom needs to supplement with formula while she tries every possible thing imaginable to increase her milk supply. She even got a prescription for a drug that is illegal in the U.S. but can be filled in Canada and has seen amazing results so far.

6. Comparing Yourself to Other Moms. 

Ever seen these hashtags? #bestmomever #mybabyiscuterthanyours #geniusinthemaking #mybabyiswayadvanced #besthusbandever #workedoutfor3hours #babyslept8hours #idontneedhelp #mybabydoesntcry #supermom
As women we compare ourselves to other women anyways. When I became pregnant I saw myself starting to believe that I would have the easiest, best, most amazing "achiever" pregnancy ever. All my ducks in a row, no complications, healthy wealthy and well. For the most part I enjoyed my pregnancy but there were times that it sucked. When you birth your baby and become a mother there are so many these things that are so tempting to compare yourself and your baby up against. Let me begin. Other moms and babies for starters. Not to mention other dads. Your own mother and family unit, as well as your husband's family and how he was raised. BabyCenter.com babies and all of the, "At 6 weeks your baby should be..." lists. Random friends who had babies who post pictures and updates on Facebook and Instagram. Every book that seems to tell you a formula for a happy, no-fuss, sleeps-all-the-time baby. I think the worst person to compare yourself to is your perfect, ideal self. The person you think you "ought to be" as a mom, the person you expect yourself to be. I have needed to release and surrender so many of my own desires and expectations! My antidote to comparison is encouragement and genuine complements to other moms. Try it, its awesome. I deeply desire to appreciate Caleb just as God created him. I am trying so very hard not to read those books that tell me what he should be doing at what time, how he can become a genius, and what steps to take to create a "super baby".  For the most part I have let Caleb and other mom's experiences be my manual for how to do this thing called motherhood. Sure I occasionally read articles online when I get worried about something but I do it from a reactionary standpoint instead of trying to prevent every imaginable problem that could arise. I don't want Caleb to grow up feeling judged, compared, and sized-up against other kids his age, especially from us as his parents! BUT I know it starts now, from infancy. We have made a commitment as parents to care more about who he is instead of what he does. In our home character trumps accomplishments and achievements. Everyone starts talking about Caleb based on his achievements. They ask, "How much did he weigh? How long was your labor? Is he sleeping great? Do you sleep at night? Is he a good eater? Is he smiling yet? How much weight has he gained already?" These things don't matter at all in the long run! If Caleb struggles in math and constantly brings home C+ papers no matter how hard he tries, but he gives his snack to the homeless man who asks him for food on the way home from school I will beam with pride. I will know that we are helping shape an individual who will do great things in the kingdom of God because he has great character.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was amazing. We have never "gone out" for Valentine's Day or celebrated it with any level of flair and importance. We used the day as an excuse to be intentional and get out of the house for a little date night. John planned the whole evening as a surprise and we had a little sleepy Valentine who came with us too! We had the most amazing food at El Pescador Fish Market in La Jolla. John got fish Tacos and I had scallops. I could eat that every night! We then traveled to Sprinkles and I got some gluten-free red velvet cupcakes.

 The best part about the evening was the intentional time we were able to spend together. We had such amazing conversations and the gifts John gave me were so incredibly thoughtful. My husband is so cute and adorable! He wrote me so many love letters before we were married and has continued to write to me every chance he gets. I got the cutest card with homemade coupons and I couldn't have been happier. I have been itching for a massage and John got a great referral from a friend. My truly thoughtful husband also gave me a coupon to have a marriage counseling session at The Soul Care House. Every since we have been married we have talked about wanting to regularly schedule a counseling session once per quarter or a few times a year for "marriage maintenance". five years later and its finally happening. We care about our marriage and want to tend to it in the same way a gardener pulls out weeds and tills the soil to create even more growth and abundance. I am super, super excited! So many couples that we look up to and admire have gone to counseling for "marriage maintenance". Why wait for a ton of problems to come up? If you care about your car, then you schedule all of your appointments to change the oil, get new tires, replace that part that is wearing out, and get regular tune-ups. And my guess is that bill is usually a whole lot more than any counseling session could cost you. We care a whole lot more about our marriage than we do about what car we drive, and I am excited so invest in our marriage this way!

This Valentine's Day has also given me a chance to reflect on my relationship with John and how much everything is changing so fast! I am so thankful I have such an amazing husband to journey on this roller coaster disguised under the word "parenthood". But it's hard. AND I knew it would be hard. And yet it still surprised me how quickly lack of sleep, a drastic change in our "normal" lives, and a little person who has needs too can create opportunities for, well, let's be blunt: TENSION. I think because John and I have such am amazingly seamless relationship before Caleb was born, God is now using the addition of Caleb to grow and stretch us into even deeper intimacy as a couple. Tension for us has been an opportunity to really talk things out and communicate with each other to work it out and smooth things over. I am so grateful for John's willingness to work out the kinks and navigate this parenthood journey with me. It has been really difficult for me to come to the realization that life will forever be different between me and John. It will never again be "just us". We now have a beautiful baby boy who needs us and who depends on us for everything. This next phase of life is so great and amazing because it is different than anything we have ever experienced! John is so caring and thoughtful, I can't imagine what it would be like to raise a little human being with anyone else. For one, who else would put up with this crazy-hormonal-sleep deprived-sometimes grouchy new mommy? Haha, I kid but I am thankful for him.

 For any women out there whose uterus do somersaults when the see pictures of my baby (or any baby) please heed my advice: STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST. This is the foundation on which your future will be built. Children do not make up for any lack of love you feel, or make issues or problems go away. They do not take away loneliness or fill any type of void. If anything, having a child will make any and every issue you thought you dealt with rise to the surface once again. Healthy marriages = healthy kids.

Mommy Hacks

I have had such a fun time being Caleb's mommy for ONE whole month now! I can't believe it was four weeks ago that I had just pushed a baby out and was enjoying the first few hours of my son's life with John. I have learned a few things here and there that have made my life a whole lot easier than I could have ever thought when he first arrived! I call these "Mommy Hacks".

#1 Distractions!

Around day 8 we were tired of the wailing that happened every time Caleb needed his diaper changed (well we were tired of it before then, but we decided to do something about it!). I posted a black and white picture of me and John at our wedding on the wall next to his changing station. When he noticed it he calmed down and started inspecting it! By the third day it was up Caleb figured out that if his hand flailed enough he could get the picture to swing on the tack that held it up. Big discovery! Intentional flailing happens nearly every time he is changed or an object is close to him. Since putting up the little picture, I also printed off some infant visual stimulation cards. My mom swears this is why we all are so smart; she had them next to our changing tables when we were infants as well. True or not, he loves them! Infants love high contrasting pictures, items, objects, books, clothes, you name it.  During the first few days I was quickly going from one diaper to another and I didn't realize that he needed to air out between wet diapers. Poor guy got diaper rash pretty badly because his booty wasn't getting dry. Mommy fail. See the next hack for how we fixed this one. He still cried when we change him,  but after we are done he loves to check out the the pictures next to him for a good ten minutes! (P.S. never leave an infant on a changing table unattended, we stay there the whole time!). If you want some your self, click here.

 #2 Naked Tummy Time

What baby wouldn't love naked tummy time? Because of the diaper rash, our pediatrician recommended naked time to help him air out. We let him air out on the changing table between changes for about 5 minutes (yes we always get sprayed) and apply a bit of Mother Love diaper rash cream (cloth diaper safe!). My friend Stephanie recommended naked tummy time so he could have even more clothes-free time! Here is another hack for unpredictable pees: put a plastic Ziplock bag under a hand towel or cloth diaper to catch any tinkle. Worried about the little love bug being cold? Put a heating pad on low under the play gym 10 minutes before you plan to start. A warm, happy, naked, pee-controlled baby is all yours to enjoy!

#3 Cloth Diapers

 During the first two weeks we mixed cloth and disposable based on where we were going and what time of day it was. Disposable at night was easier and cloth during the day. However, I don't want to put diapers on too tight because it is uncomfortable for them and can trap gas. Think about an amazing pair of skinny jeans that are one size too small. Sure they make your a** look amazing and they slim your legs, but try sitting down and your tummy rebels. You start fantasizing about unbuttoning the top button when you order drinks on your hot date. Its all you can think about and misery ensues until you stand up again. SO... no tight diapers. But disposables LEAK!! Up the back, on the sides, and up the front unless you have a baby that doesn't pee or you change the diaper every hour. I have never had a cloth diaper leak unless I left some cloth uncovered by the thirsties diaper cover. I am super in love with cloth diapers because they are way cheaper and not too much of a pain to wash. We even share laundry with four other units so no excuses if you don't have laundry in your place! I am sure I will do a more in depth post about this one day.

#4 Binky

I ordered this bad boy off Amazon a few days ago and have started using it a few times a day. Caleb loves to suck John's finger when he is distressed or is trying to pass some gas. However, he won't take my finger! I can hear him thinking "Mom! C'mon, you got boobies! Bust them out for a minute!" I usually do because if he is seeking comfort we want him to know mommy and daddy can both help him, just in different ways. The binky is another tool in our "Help Caleb Belt", along with all the other soothing techniques he likes. We decided to incorporate the binky when he was 3 weeks and 4  days old. I wanted to establish breastfeeding and make sure that his latch and sucking patterns were strong before we gave him any type of pacifier. We are intentional about monitoring when he uses it because we don't want him to become dependent on it or use it to satisfy any type of hunger cues. Plus it is recommended to stop pacifier use before their first birthday, although some sources advocate for sooner, so we know its only temporary anyway. Usually he will take it when he is fussy because of gas or when he is sleepy after he has eaten. He definitely will push it out forcefully when he doesn't want it or if he just wants to work through something by crying while being held. I am glad we waited because it seems like he knows best when he needs it and when he doesn't!

#5 Breastfeeding Help 

First of all, I love this picture. Caleb and I have been constantly working on our nursing relationship. I have nursed in public without a cover every time I nurse out of our home because of the issues you will read about below. I mostly nurse him in the car and in his Ergo carrier. He is a great eater and has all of the right things going for him. Great hunger cues, awesome latch, beautiful suck/swallow patterns, burps galore. However, on day 5 I was starting to feel overwhelmed and ready to give up. He wouldn't take one of my boobs and I was panicking. I cried and prayed and had a major breakdown. Thankfully I called Stephanie (lifesaver) and she reassured me that that is normal and my milk wasn't going to dry up. I also reached out to my sister-in-law Janelle, my friend Jamie, my mom, and a facebook group I am a part of. I am so thankful I did! They all encouraged me and helped me get through the hardest parts. On day 10 I went to a weekly breastfeeding support group "Boobies and Babies" at the yoga studio I went to when I was pregnant. It is now one of my favorite days of the week! The Lactation Consultant who runs it helped me identify that I am an over-producer and I have a hyper-active let down. Basically my body didn't get the memo I only have one baby. It's thinking I have twins or more. Because of this Caleb will choke because the milk is coming out too fast and he will fill up on the foremilk (first part of the milk that comes out) and be too full to get much hindmilk (the fattier milk that comes at the end). As a protective mechanism he will pop off when the flow is too much for him, but he will become frustrated because he isn't eating anymore. This has resulted in him having green, frothy poops and painful gas. Babies need the fat to help their body digest the sugary milk that comes out first. To remedy these problems the LC showed me a few upright nursing positions and suggested I nurse on only one side per feeding. She said it will take some time to normalize, and we have had some "normal" poops a few times a day but the green still creeps up here and there. I am so thankful for the friends and resources I have found to help me. I totally understand why people give up on breastfeeding, it is hard work! I would encourage any new mom to surround herself with other women who can help her and support her through the hard times because it makes it so much easier!