Finding God in the Chaos

I have realized over the past few weeks that I have been living in a state of chaos and I hate it. Last weekend (can it only be a week ago?) I had an amazing experience at Flood Church where God totally me me in the Chaos. Let me rewind.

Last Friday was the first day I needed to park my car on the street instead of in our spot in the back. We are selling our Subaru and we wanted to keep the car in great condition before the buyer picks it up. I hated this. I am so used to my routine for getting Caleb ready and taking him out to the car in one trip and unloading groceries in one trip. I feel pretty amazing and impressive when I think about it. I Strap on the ergo, put Caleb inside, put on my backpack/diaper bag, load my arms up with whatever else I am taking with me, and swagger outside hoping all who see me will be impressed with my ability to carry 60lbs of extra STUFF.

Well on my very angry walk to my car that was a whole 50feet further than I wanted it to be I heard God. I had been struggling with numbing out and disconnecting from my pain by watching Netflix obsessively. Some people choose crack cocaine, chocolate cake, chain smoking, or if you are me, the automatic "next episode" option on Netflix that allows you to waste literally days of your life. A few years ago I tallied that I had wasted a total of five straight 24 hours days watching the entire Desperate Housewives series over the course of a few months. I would totally justify it by washing dishes, cleaning, doing laundry, or doing my business on the toilet while watching (yes, my husband can attest to the truth behind the last one) and saying, "Well at least we don't have cable" with my nose in the air. It was so bad I don't think God could have gotten my attention any other way. His gentle, quiet voice urged me to listen.

Out of nowhere I hear "Ebey I love you."
I know.

No, you don't know. I want you. 
OK God, what do you need from me.

Nothing. 
OK, what can I do.

Nothing.
Alright, reveal to me what is keeping me from connecting. I am so frustrated and feel so far from you. I don't have any margin in my day. I am so busy all the time and feel like I am drowning in all the activities I have committed myself to doing. Aren't you impressed with all the things I am doing?

No, I'm not. Cease striving and know that I am God
OK I know you are God. 

I want to walk with you and be with you. I created you to know me. I want to teach you the unforced rhythms of grace. 
That sounds nice and all, but I don't have time to rest. You gave me a child, and a house, and a husband to take care of!

Look at your life. What is holding you back from me?
(very reluctantly I think.....) OK. I think Netflix is a trap, keeping me from your presence.  

Then give it to me. 
I can't, I NEED Netflix. 

You need me (BAM, tears start flowing)
I need you God, I desire to run into your arms. I want to believe that the riches of your love will always be enough. 

Let me love you 
I'm scared. I am going to feel empty without Netflix.

Trust me. 
OK. I will try. I will give up Netflix until Easter. I mean, if I can't then oh well, I tried, right?

Watch and be in awe of me and my love for you. I will do great things through you.
OK God, I'm going to go to yoga now. 

The past few weeks have been so filled with God's goodness in my life. Or shall I say my awareness of his Goodness has been so much greater. God's invitations are always better than our desires to cling, grasp, and hold onto things that are replacing Him. For me Netflix was a stronghold. It was keeping me prisoner to freedom in my day. Without it I am free to love my son more deeply, connect with friends without thinking "In an hour, I want to finish this episode!". I can say "YES" to the people I care about and the things I care about because there is more margin in my day. I am less invested in characters who cannot return anything to me or give me any lasting peace or hope and instead I look around me at the people who need a touch of love in their lives. 

Saying yes to God isn't about saying no to things in your life. God doesn't want anything from us, he wants everything for us. God didn't ask me to give up something for the sake of showing my obedience, for me to show how pious I am, or as a way of punishing me. He desired deeply to see his daughter live in freedom, to say "NO" to something that was keeping her from experiencing true life. It was an invitation, not a command. God's love is so deep for each of us that he will flood you with a loving relationship before he will make some suggestions for how to become more of the person He created you to be. Picture God in this, because GOD IS LOVE:

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The Message (MSG) version

Fit MOM

Nursing in Vrksasana

I am passionate about health and fitness. Notice I didn't say "looks, appearances, skinny bodies, and fad diets?"

As many of you who have been following me know; I did crossfit, yoga, swimming, and TRX, and resistance training during my pregnancy. I ate mostly paleo (plus chocolate and gluten-free cupcakes) and took Adovcare products GALORE. I am going to post my birth story soon (promise) but I wanted to update everyone on how being a new mom has been regarding fitness and health.

Firstly, it is really easy to lose weight when you have a baby. As soon as that sucker pops out you are about 20lbs lighter within a few days. The rest of the pregnancy weight might take a little longer to come off. For me this past week I have finally felt more like "me" in my body. I am still a good 15lbs heavier than when I became pregnant, but I am lighter than when I started Advocare. I upped the Catalyst because I started doing more yoga and Can You 24 workouts. This stuff is seriously like magic. It helps you body target fat as its fuel source and protects your lean muscle. I am so thankful the Advo Docs said, "yes" when the 1996 US Olympic wrestling team approached them to formulate a product that would help them cut weight without compromising their muscle mass. They earned Gold that year and I lost 4 inches off my waist when I did my first 24 Day Challenge with Catalyst so until you try it yourself you will think I'm just making stuff up. If you can't feel already I am a little obsessed.

I have been doing yoga with Caleb or leaving him at the Kids Space at my yoga studio. It has been a really great way to ease back into exercise in my post-baby body. John even did a class with me yesterday and we did inversions (see pic below). His goal is to be able to do a CrossFit Hand Stand Push Up. Since his elbow is jacked up from baseball it's a work in progress. My motivation in a glass has been Spark because it is quite hard to pull myself together these days. Its is my "I can do this today", "happy mommy juice", "organized brain" "4-hours of mental focus and energy", "I can have an intelligent conversation with my husband at 9pm" magic potion of goodness.  Without it I am not sure I would get out the door to make it in time to any of the classes I have gone to.

Breastfeeding has been a huge help for losing the weight and getting my body back. Putting weight on during pregnancy and keeping it on afterwards is really important for successful breastfeeding. A woman who loses weight too quickly after birth puts her milk supply at risk. Eating enough healthy foods, supplementing with Adovcare, and drinking lots of water has all contributed to my healthy milk supply (almost too healthy, I have way too much milk). It is recommended that a woman loses about a pound a week while breastfeeding and that she does not lose weight rapidly.

Health for me has been eating well, staying active, resting when I need to, sleeping lots, getting support from friends and family, crying my eyes out when it is really really tough, connecting with other moms who are going through the same thing, and trusting God to supply for my needs. Praying for me has looked a lot more like God speaking to me and reminding me to rest in Him.  

The biggest thing I have learned about being a FIT MOM and getting back into the swing of things is to appreciate what my body has done for me. My body needs grace. God created my body to do some amazing things! It grew a healthy baby boy, went through a natural (no meds) birth at home, and is now supplying food for a very hungry guy who is growing like a weed (um at 10 weeks he is in 6 month old clothing today. EEEK!). My body needs grace from myself mostly. My stretch marks are battle scars and my belly pooch is a reminder of God's gracious provision in my life. I look at the love handles that are now girdling my sides and smile because I know that one day they will carry my child on my hip and be melted away. So I will continue on, slowly easing back into the swing of things, listening to my body and its limits (I hate limits), and choosing to love my son before I selfishly injure myself because I wasn't respecting this new body I have.

May you all go out and appreciate your bodies!

The day I found out we were pregnant!

6 weeks Pregnant

CrossFit at 20 weeks

Last belly shot before I went into labor at 38 weeks

Caleb at 10 weeks

Arm stand (did the first one postpartum yesterday)

My little love

Sooooo big!

Dirty Girl Confessionals

I was on a walk to the park today with my friend Stephanie and she told me her inspiration for her next blog post was "Dirty Girl Confessionals". Things she does at which polite society would gasp and scowl. We decided we aren't very polite, we are mommies who are a little dirty.

Now before you let your head go to the crazy places that picture led you to believe I am talking about (you know what you clicked on the title of the blog for, don't lie now), let me define "dirty". The definition is typically "soiled" when used as an adjective I would like to create my own definition as a noun. A "dirty" mommy is "one who is slightly less than perfect but in the eyes of her children is super mom. Characterized by spit-up, unshaven legs, greasy hair, dust bunnies, circles under her eyes, and typically dishes waiting to be taken care of in the sink."

Let me confess in the hope that other bloggers, mommies, and the general public will feel comfortable in their own skin. This is ME, right now, unedited if you were to walk into my living room and have a very keen eye of my home, my baby, and of course the "dirty mommy" who is typing this post. Read through mine then I want to hear it from you. What are your "Dirty" confessions? Write a blog post, comment on my facebook, leave a confessional on your facebook status, or leave some love below. Let's normalize the daily lives we live and break down the tendency to portray our "false self" for others by pretending we have it all together.

1. My sheets are unwashed
There is a milk stain from last night when I leaked and I figured if it is going to happen again tonight I might as well wait to change the sheets tomorrow (or the next day?). It bothers me, yes. But it is the least of my worries when I have a bucket full of dirty cloth diapers that need attention and only a set amount of quarters in the home to pay for laundry. Plus I don't have a car today (its getting serviced) so I can't drive to the bank to get more. And if I walked to the laundry mat to get quarters I would have to put a shirt on before coming home to start the load. So, I am perfectly content with a few stains on my sheets. Because they are my favorite, most comfy cozy sheets and I don't like the other two sets that are clean in my linen closet. 

2. My hair is disgusting
Honestly, I can't remember when I washed it last. Maybe its been 4 days? At least it doesn't smell or feel greasy (yet) but I must confess I hate drying my hair because I have to wear it down to air dry and when  That happens I will inevitably get spit up in it or my hair will get tangled in Caleb's fingers when he is eating. I have been dying to get a "mommy cut" so it is easier to take care of. I have thought about shaving it off in the wee hours of the morning when I am sleep-deprived and not quite sane. But then I remember that I like my hair sometimes. I am a little jealous of Salome, the girl our family sponsors in Tanzania. Her most recent picture shows off her very short hair and her flawless cheekbones. We shall see. Every time my head itches I am convinced I might have lice. Something must be done.

3. My leg hair is nearing a quarter inch.
When I am in the shower I am usually in the dark so the legs don't get the attention they deserve. Caleb will be in his rock-n-play in the bathroom while I am showering to get the steam in our sinuses. He loves the sound of the shower and is quite content for a good 10-15 minutes after he has eaten. However we have a combo light/ceiling fan so if I turn the light on then I cannot get the steamy goodness. Hence hairy legs. Plus I've always not really cared and it is fun to surprise the DH with clean-shaven legs once in a while. Its cheaper than buying new lingerie! So really I'm saving us money guys...

4. I haven't worn make-up for quite a while
Not going to apologize for this one. I think I am beautiful without it because I have so much to offer the world that is not based on my outside appearance. I have always felt this way and my husband feels the same. People have told me "wow, you look so pretty!" when I put the makeup on for various things where it is basically required (business trainings, job interviews, funerals, weddings, etc.). And I always laugh and say, "Thanks, I'm wearing makeup today!". And I do think it makes me look prettier but I just don't care on a daily basis to wear the junk. When it is those special occasions I actually relish playing dress up and getting a little fancy with the eye goop. But for me its just a mask, it's something that only enhances what I already have going on. Its not something I worry about "forgetting" to wear. I have other "ass-ets" that require no make up to shake up. OK that was a little lame. But seriously, more ladies should embrace it! I committed to not wearing make up for 1 whole year in high school and after that point I never wore it more than twice a week (except for when I was student teaching, I bumped it up to three times a week)

5. The bathroom floor is disgusting
Hasn't been officially and completely cleaned in ages. I usually spot check it for chest hair, my hair, dust bunnies, and random stuff that ends up on the floor when someone is coming to our home. I want it to be clean daily but I figured if I remember to pee in the toilet at 3am then the floor isn't so bad. Plus John is a very tidy tinkler so until Caleb begins to want to explore the floors I can put this one off for a bit.

6. There are dishes in the sink
Not as bad as it has been but they are creeping onto the counter. Dishes love to make babies and they seem to keep populating my kitchen! I wish cleaning dishes was as easy as vacuuming. I should invent a hand-led vacuum that instantly cleans your dish. And a robot that takes it back to the cupboard. Any backers? 

7. I am staring at 50 things I want to put away
Not even going to start listing them. If they had eyes they would be boring holes in my soul. I wish I was Matilda and could harness the power of my brain to make things move. I wish all Roald Dahl books could come true. 

8. The microwave door is open
This is a habit that is an understandable pet peeve of John's. Who leaves the door open? Isn't it easy enough to close it? Yes. Yes it is my dears. Yet it is open...because I snatched my lunch from it while I was holding Caleb and forgot to go back and close it when I put either baby or food down. Goodness I feel a little pathetic now. 

9. I am half-clothed
I was so sweaty from my walk with Stephanie (be grateful, it inspired this post) and tore my shirt off to nurse Caleb who was also equally as sweaty. I usually stay this way for a while until I get cold or I need to go outside. At least the pink sports bra is a mommy fashion statement. 

10. My nails are chipping and need to be clipped
I had them done a few weeks ago and  never got around to cleaning them off. I find chips on Caleb after changing him but if I take the nail polish off then that means I can't take care of the other gazillion things I need to do.

11. I have pee on my pants
No, its not my pee. I have been giving Caleb naked time on the floor on a towel. When he is on his back I put said towel over him to trap the pee.  While trying to get ready for my walk I was running around the house getting the stroller ready, shoving a banana in the console, and putting sunscreen on my face so I left Caleb on his back with the towel in the office/changing room. He is such a strong and active baby and he decided that he would like to practice his aim but the towel was very much hindering that ambition. I came back into the office to put a diaper and clothes on him and saw the rug had a suspicious wet spot.  Stephanie was coming any minute so I decided "Well it will dry, and baby pee is mostly water, right?". Two hours later when doing naked tummy time on the floor I sat in the wet spot. And then I never changed. Yep.

12. My son is sleeping with curds of spit-up in his neck rolls
I noticed them after he was asleep when he turned his head. Not worth it to wake him up and see what he thinks about a wet washcloth skimming his sensitive baby skin while he is dreaming of precious things. 

13. My son has one hand of short finger nails and the other one is filled with claws
I can only bite them when he has unclenched fists and that only occurs a few rare times right before he goes to sleep, mostly when he is nursing. I only nurse on one side and last night his right hand was the lucky winner to be within the reaches of my teeth.  

14. I have stinky armpits
Remember how I was rushing out the door? I forgot to put on my husbands deodorant (yeah, my salt crystals aren't cutting it anymore and I haven't gone to walmart since before Caleb was born). I sometimes enjoy smelling like a man. It reminds me of John when he is at work all day. But really now, I need to get my own, its a little weird. But this is a confessional, right?

15. I have ants crawling over me.
I seriously HATE ants. We have had a few intruders that have brought their entire Calvary with them recently. Our molding has some tiny holes that they have entered through and John courageously goes to war with vinegar, paper towels, ant traps, and a caulk gun frequently. The most recent scouts must be under our couch because they have been crawling up the walls and getting onto the couch somehow. And onto me. I told John this morning I swear one bit me because I felt a pinch and looked down to what I had swatted and it was the carcass of an ant. I have killed three since starting this blog post.

TAAAA-DAAAA!
Now its your turn.... be bold and believe that people won't love you less when you are honest with where you are at, they will love you more ans appreciate the honesty. If they are harsh and judge you or shame you, maybe they aren't really someone with which you should keep company.  What are your version of "Dirty Girl Confessionals"?