Finding God in the Chaos

I have realized over the past few weeks that I have been living in a state of chaos and I hate it. Last weekend (can it only be a week ago?) I had an amazing experience at Flood Church where God totally me me in the Chaos. Let me rewind.

Last Friday was the first day I needed to park my car on the street instead of in our spot in the back. We are selling our Subaru and we wanted to keep the car in great condition before the buyer picks it up. I hated this. I am so used to my routine for getting Caleb ready and taking him out to the car in one trip and unloading groceries in one trip. I feel pretty amazing and impressive when I think about it. I Strap on the ergo, put Caleb inside, put on my backpack/diaper bag, load my arms up with whatever else I am taking with me, and swagger outside hoping all who see me will be impressed with my ability to carry 60lbs of extra STUFF.

Well on my very angry walk to my car that was a whole 50feet further than I wanted it to be I heard God. I had been struggling with numbing out and disconnecting from my pain by watching Netflix obsessively. Some people choose crack cocaine, chocolate cake, chain smoking, or if you are me, the automatic "next episode" option on Netflix that allows you to waste literally days of your life. A few years ago I tallied that I had wasted a total of five straight 24 hours days watching the entire Desperate Housewives series over the course of a few months. I would totally justify it by washing dishes, cleaning, doing laundry, or doing my business on the toilet while watching (yes, my husband can attest to the truth behind the last one) and saying, "Well at least we don't have cable" with my nose in the air. It was so bad I don't think God could have gotten my attention any other way. His gentle, quiet voice urged me to listen.

Out of nowhere I hear "Ebey I love you."
I know.

No, you don't know. I want you. 
OK God, what do you need from me.

Nothing. 
OK, what can I do.

Nothing.
Alright, reveal to me what is keeping me from connecting. I am so frustrated and feel so far from you. I don't have any margin in my day. I am so busy all the time and feel like I am drowning in all the activities I have committed myself to doing. Aren't you impressed with all the things I am doing?

No, I'm not. Cease striving and know that I am God
OK I know you are God. 

I want to walk with you and be with you. I created you to know me. I want to teach you the unforced rhythms of grace. 
That sounds nice and all, but I don't have time to rest. You gave me a child, and a house, and a husband to take care of!

Look at your life. What is holding you back from me?
(very reluctantly I think.....) OK. I think Netflix is a trap, keeping me from your presence.  

Then give it to me. 
I can't, I NEED Netflix. 

You need me (BAM, tears start flowing)
I need you God, I desire to run into your arms. I want to believe that the riches of your love will always be enough. 

Let me love you 
I'm scared. I am going to feel empty without Netflix.

Trust me. 
OK. I will try. I will give up Netflix until Easter. I mean, if I can't then oh well, I tried, right?

Watch and be in awe of me and my love for you. I will do great things through you.
OK God, I'm going to go to yoga now. 

The past few weeks have been so filled with God's goodness in my life. Or shall I say my awareness of his Goodness has been so much greater. God's invitations are always better than our desires to cling, grasp, and hold onto things that are replacing Him. For me Netflix was a stronghold. It was keeping me prisoner to freedom in my day. Without it I am free to love my son more deeply, connect with friends without thinking "In an hour, I want to finish this episode!". I can say "YES" to the people I care about and the things I care about because there is more margin in my day. I am less invested in characters who cannot return anything to me or give me any lasting peace or hope and instead I look around me at the people who need a touch of love in their lives. 

Saying yes to God isn't about saying no to things in your life. God doesn't want anything from us, he wants everything for us. God didn't ask me to give up something for the sake of showing my obedience, for me to show how pious I am, or as a way of punishing me. He desired deeply to see his daughter live in freedom, to say "NO" to something that was keeping her from experiencing true life. It was an invitation, not a command. God's love is so deep for each of us that he will flood you with a loving relationship before he will make some suggestions for how to become more of the person He created you to be. Picture God in this, because GOD IS LOVE:

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The Message (MSG) version